If you’re more relaxed about the issue, focus on your response, not reciprocity it’s likely to be the payback the giver will value most. If you’re a fervent believer in the principle, set aside a few “just in case” generic gifts before the season to be ready for the inevitable surprise presents. Know where your comfort limits lie on the issue of reciprocity, and prepare accordingly. You don’t, but feel compelled to reciprocate anyway. Your neighbor likes to bake, is good at it, and enjoys her gift-giving rounds of the neighborhood. A knee-jerk “like for like” exchange doesn’t account for differences in resources, intent or ability. Gotcha! You’ve just been tripped by reciprocity: the belief that for every gift received, one must be given.Īs a general rule, reciprocity has an even-handed fairness to it, but applied to cases, it can be overbearing. You thank her, and graciously-but your heart sinks because you haven’t prepared gifts for the neighbors this year, much less baked goods. A neighbor appears, offering a pretty basket of quick breads. It’s a few days before Christmas, and the doorbell rings. Once begun, never undone: gift exchanges, once established, must not change.Ĭome one, come all: gift exchanges must extend to every member of a relationship category. Get a gift, give a gift: gift exchanges must be reciprocal.Įven-Steven: gift exchanges must be of equal value. How do you and your family interpret the following gift-giving rules? There are no right or wrong answers: Bringing “the rules” into focus is the first step to bringing sanity and simplicity back to the season-and being clear about your own underlying gift-giving assumptions can ease conflicts with others. The place to start? By understanding your own set of gift-giving rules. None of the parties can address the real conflict unless they understand the source: a failure to share the same assumptions about the act of giving. A determined crafter feels let down when a handmade gift-the product of hours of work -is unwrapped to a lukewarm response from the recipient. Young adults take on debt to give their own parents gifts the empty nesters neither need nor use. Scratch the surface of gift-giving disagreements, and you’re likely to find a rules conflict. Second, following one version of the unwritten rules can lead to conflict with loved ones, who may hold a different view. Why is it so important to get a grip on the rules behind holiday giving before we make our Christmas gifts list?įirst, if you don’t understand why you gift as you do, it’s easy to enter the land of the absurd: making a midnight raid on the supermarket’s toy aisle when you discover that one child’s stocking holds fewer gifts than his brother’s. Even in a single family, it's common to find members with radically different ideas when it comes to "the rules" of gift-giving. Problem is, “unwritten” means that gift-giving rules are subject to interpretation-both in our own minds, and in our dealings with others. Despite living only in our minds and expectations, the unwritten rules of gift-giving govern everything from the office Secret Santa exchange to the family's morning under the Christmas tree. Seldom acknowledged and rarely discussed, these rules determine what we give, how much we give, and to whom we give. Christmas is coming! Do you understand the unwritten rules of gift-giving?Įach of us carries within ourselves a set of rules about gift-giving.
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